An Argument Against the Abolition of Steroids

Don’t worry, I will try not to use any more alliteration in the rest of this wonderful work of writing (I think I already fulfilled the quota, I know they are A’s but I think it should still count).

I’m writing this in response to the 79th All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium that was played last night and lasted for nearly 5 hours.

As I sat in the over-priced and TV-filled Chicago “ESPN-Zone” with my sister and friend watching the game, the only thing we talked about was how the game was so boring. In the first 5 innings, only two exciting plays occurred, a solo homerun by the Rockies’ Matt Holliday, and Albert Pujols of the Cardinals getting thrown out at second base by Ichiro after hitting the ball all the way to the right field wall (damn, he cannot run). The National League led the game nearly the whole way until their relief pitching (even the All-Star relief pitchers are capable of blowing it) gave up a two-run homerun to J.D. Drew of the Red Sox, and an RBI Double to Evan Longoria of the Tampa Bay Rays (more famous for his eerily similar name to the desperate housewife). The game lasted for almost 5 hours, and after all of the exciting American League action late in the first 9 innings, the game went to a stale defensive battle until the bottom of the 15th inning when a sacrifice fly allowed the final run to score.

Boring, boring, and boring. All I could think about as I watched the first 7 innings and the last 5 innings (the middle 3 were okay) was: how much more exciting would this game be if players were allowed to use steroids?

Think about it, baseball could be even more thrilling and exciting than it already is! Every player can swing for the fences, the scores of games would go up, and pitchers could throw 100+ mph; I think it is a great addition to the game.

Think about it this way, if there is a drug that is available and can make a person stronger, add that to their already prevalent athleticism and ability and that person is now a super-athlete. I say, if it is available, why not let everyone use it? It only makes the game more exciting, and more enjoyable. Every player that used them could hit 40+ home runs a season? The new home run record would be closer to 80-90 home runs in a season!

“But dude, it’s ruining a classic game. What about Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron and Willie Mays?”

What about ‘em! If they had steroids back in the day, some of those guys would have doped up too. Yes, Hank Aaron lost his record to Barry Bonds who is viewed as one of the worst things to go through baseball – but why? I do not support Barry Bonds in any way and it is very unfortunate that his record has to be tainted, but all of that is because steroids right now are illegal. Of course there will still be the negative image surrounding you as a player if you use, but that will go away in 20-30 years. Eventually, players will be able to use steroids without any sort of hassle from the public, and the game of baseball will no longer have an All-Star Game that lasts five-hours and ends up to be a 4 to 3 game. The point is the game is changing and the world is changing; if the technology is available to make a type of entertainment more entertaining, why would we not buy into it? If your iPhone is a year old and there is a new one coming out that has features 10X cooler than your last, why not get a new one?

“But dude, it’s cheating!”

It isn’t cheating if it becomes legal and players are allowed to use dope. I do think that there should be some sort of penalty…no that’s the wrong word…some sort of situation that a steroid-using-player must be put in if they choose to use steroids. Here are some new rules for steroid-users:

1) They must declare that they have been using steroids and specify the kind of drug they are using. The league must be made aware of what exactly it is they are using to enhance their strength, so that they can be monitored and regulated to a certain extent.

2) By declaring that they have been using steroids, the athlete must take a pay cut, I say as big as 25%. Yeah, they may be the best player on the field due to their super human strength, so you think he should be getting more money than everyone else, but as of now, steroids still have that negative taboo surrounding them, so we have to compromise a little bit.

3) Players must stop use of steroids if they are beginning to have significant side effects or health problems. These things are dangerous, you have to be careful.

4) If they break some major record that has been around longer than when the legality of steroids came into effect, their new record must have a “*” by it, to show that they broke an old record during the new age of steroid use. If they break a post-steroid use record, no “*” is needed.

5) Players using steroids must showboat after every homerun they hit. If you’re going to use steroids to entertain the people, you have to entertain the people by shakin’ your thang, too.

If Albert Pujols can start hitting 60+ home runs a season, Brandon Webb can pitch a complete game every outing, Ben Sheets can throw a 94 mph “off-speed” pitch and a 104 mph fastball, and the Red Sox can beat the Yankees 22-19 at Fenway, wouldn’t you want to watch? The All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium last night bored so many baseball fans that several probably quit caring today, and everyone else who normally doesn’t watch baseball but thought they would give the All-Star Game a try, now reconfirmed their notion that baseball is a past-time and is now a boring, boring, boring sport. Add steroids to the mix, and I guarantee the number of sold-out games at the Nationals new cleverly named stadium “Nationals Park” will increase from 0 out of 80 to at least 7 out of 80.

I had this conversation with my sister and buddy yesterday at the restaurant, and as I continued to expand my argument and embellish it even further with ludicrous claims and new rules for baseball, I decided it was a worth while statement.